How to convince a straight girl not to become a sexually deviant person?

je devrais devenir lesbienne, c’est moins d’emmerdes !

You’ve met at least one of these girls before in your life! The kind of girl who just broke up with her third boyfriend of the month on the second week, and who – in all seriousness, and putting down her cocktail or flicking the tip of her cigarette – will hit you with a remarkable:

“Hum…maybe I should be a lesbian, less trouble to deal with!”

Whether she’s telling you, an audience or the two strangers behind you in the subway, the only thing you want to do is roar with laughter!

“Goddamn it, you wench, dost thou know – WTF? »

Well of course life to us lesbians is nothing but bodies covered in honey and sweet angelic music, as we float high amongst the clouds of orgasmic bliss!


First, you have to refrain yourself from slapping the straight out of her face and shout “Get a grip Bertha!”
Then, you adjust your monocle, sit like a queen, check the laces of your Converse, put back a stray of hair behind your ear and state the following commandments:

– You shall not foolishly synchronize your periods with your better half.
– You shall justify yourself every time you’ll visit a female friend (even more so if said friend is your third ex-girlfriend who’s now dating your best friend whom you shagged on a night you were depressed).
– You shall never complain about men being simple-minded for speaking their mind so bluntly.
– You shall do without a penis.

At that point the straight girl should start running the other way. If she doesn’t, you can always remind her that one of the lesbians’ must-do is the commonly named “muff-munching” which wouldn’t fit in her gluten-free diet.

Phew. The invasion was stopped again my friends! You’re welcome!

NB: of course, if Scarlett Johansson or Penelope Cruz speak those words while staring at you and biting their lips, all you can do is call me, I’ll take matters into my own hands!

By Pulsy
Translated from the French by IMNSX

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