My wife is a n00b


The Witcher 3
Trinity : What are you supposed to do?
Neo : I’m an old gross sterile man with white hair who kills monster for cash, and every time I fuck one of these girls who need my help, she packs her bags the next day to another continent because our love has no future. So what, You can’t have both a stable job AND a family life? Fuck this shit.
T : Are you trying to tell me something not so subtly?
~ Marital argument in progress, please come back again later ~

Portal 2
N : Ok…we have to go to the other side of the room…Fuck! Stay here, there are turrets shooting at us right there! So…if you put your orange portal on this wall, your blue portal on the other side, that I walk through your portal to create my two portals, one on the ceiling and one diagonally above the blue puddle, then you jump in right at this moment and….
T : I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!
N : Shut up and pay attention….jump here…no, HERE !!!! But….no…. you failed. Forget it, you’re dead.
T : But I jumped exactly when you told me to, YOU shut up!
~ Marital argument in progress, please come back again later ~

Resident Evil 5
N : Ok, I ‘m going to explain this ONE LAST TIME : I am behind the door. You have to come and open it for me. First, you have to cross the bridge while I’m keeping it still with the wheel. You open the door and kill the two zombies in the room and recover the gem in the vase. Mind the snake that will attack when you break it. After that, go upstairs to lift the bar directly in front of you to unblock the door, using the X button. Once I’m back in the game, we have to sprint and jump to the cable car. I DID say JUMP, there’s a hole, you got it?
T : ……uh……wait, where am I supposed to go first?
N : Bridge! Right here, the stairs! Watch out! Nooooooo….. Why did you use the fucking rocket launcher to kill a tiny snake AT YOUR FEET? Gimme this fucking controller, I’ll do it myself. Keep guarding the door. Is that alright? Won’t be too difficult for you???
~ Marital argument in progress, please come back again later ~

Assassin’s creed Unity
N : Come here, look, I just climbed that thing we saw last holiday, look how realistic the graphics are! And that’s the street where we took our picture together!
T : You mean the one with a dead body lying there? So romantic, indeed…
N : Wait! You must see the XVIIIe century’s Catacombs, I just have to jump down this tower.
T : So…basically you do a hundred feet leap, with an eagle sound, right into a tiny haystack, and then you get back on your feet like nothing, and walk away…right…
N : Right…but I’m a Assassin of the Brotherhood, you can’t understand…
~ Marital argument in progress, please come back again later ~

Lego marvel
N : Where have you gone?
T : Well… I’m picking up the shiny Lego things, breaking stuff.
N : But we’re on a mission, come on!
T : Um….Sorry, can’t do. I’m stuck between a bin and railings…It’s a glitch, right?
N : Are you kidding me?! Jump! Fly! Fucking do something! You’re Iron Man for Pete’s sake!
T : Not working.
N : Alright. I’m on my way…Gonna Hulk Smash your ass, tha’s gonna get you out…But after that, YOU FUCKING FOLLOW ME!
T : I have no idea where we’re supposed to go.
N : It’s on the map.
T : …..what map?
~ Marital argument in progress, please come back again later ~

Saints Row The Third
T : What’s with the dude in robe and pink bunny slippers running around beating people up with a giant purple dildo?
N : It’s me. I’m handling a turf battle with an rival gang.
T : Right. You’re a thug in slippers.
N : What can I say, yo’ve got swag or you don’t. Anyway now I’ve got to rescue Zimos from an S&M brothel.
T : Wait, wait! Back up, that’s some serious background for one of my erotic stories…
N : Is sex all you ever think about?
~ Marital argument in progress, please come back again later ~

Life is strange
T : Shit! Why are you crying?
N : It’s awful, I had to make a choice. Like, if I had to choose between saving the world and saving you and… But IRL I would have picked you!
T : What did you do in the game?
N : I killed the girl!
T : Well that’s reassuring…
N : But I’m feeling like shit right now…
T : Thank Goodness…you’ve got a heart!
N : Hug me, please!
~Hug in progress, please come back again later~

Translated from the French by IMNSX